Vaccine Conspiracy Will Make Us Even Stupider | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Vaccine Conspiracy Will Make Us Even Stupider

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



If you think mandatory mask-wearing, punishable by god-knows-what, is bad, listen to this: Soon, we will be forced to get vaccinated and sterilized. It's true, we saw it on the internet. First, they made a law forcing us to wear pants in public. Then it was seatbelts—totally unconstitutional. As Sen. Mike Lee would say, nowhere in the Constitution does it mention seatbelts—or masks, damnit. This is Leninist-Marxism, or is it Marxist-Leninism, well, never mind—only the Hungarians could swallow this crap.

Now, they've got this vaccine coming, and we will all be forced to get it. The jackbooted thugs will come to each and every one of our 100 million homes in the middle of the night, take our guns, stick a needle in our arm and when we wake up, we'll be sterile and insane from syphilis or whatever they use to screw over us working people whose vote didn't count because they threw out ballots marked for Trump. "The purpose of vaccination is to literally slaughter the population and dumb everyone down and render them helpless," said Larry Cook, the creator of "Stop Mandatory Vaccination," in his Facebook Live video. "It is a global plan to literally enslave every human on the planet." How could you possibly argue with that?

Name the Federal Courthouse for Orrin Hatch
1. Because, like Orrin, it is sooo important
2. Because Earl Holding told Orrin not to put it on his Main Street property
3. Frank Zappa immortalized him with the song, "Orrin Hatch on Skis" (seriously)
4. Because Orrin likes small government, except when he doesn't
5. The courthouse replaced the nasty Port O' Call saloon and the historic Shubrick building
6. Because Orrin spent 42 years in Washington, D.C.
7. Donald Trump would love it as much as Orrin loves Donald
8. Because Orrin wrote songs about freedom, like "America Rocks" (no lie)
9. It belongs in Pittsburgh with someone whose name rhymes with borin'
10. Because it makes a bold statement but is so vacuous

Chris Stewart: Dems Are Cheating in Georgia—Again
Those dirty dog Democrats are at it again—cheating and cheating and cheating, said Utah Republican Rep. Chris Stewart. Republicans never cheat on account of the fact they are moral and righteous. Stewart knows the Democrats are cheating in Georgia because he read it on his Ouija board, which, along with Devin Nunes, is his go-to source for information. Stewart is practically begging everyone with a Temple Recommend to donate their tithing to the two Republican candidates running for two U.S. Senate seats in a January election against two (communist) Democrats. "The Democrats are desperate to win these two seats," Stewart said. "If they do, then they will have absolute power. They will change our nation forever." (This apparently is Stewart's recognition that Joe Biden won the election, which, until now he has refused to do.) If the two dastardly Dems win in Georgia, it would yield a 50-50 Senate with Vice President Kamala Harris as the tie-breaking vote. All hell would break lose, and Sen. Mitch McConnell wouldn't be able to block legislation on everything from aid to unemployed workers to background checks on gun buyers. And then, as Chris "Conspiracy" Stewart says, the world would turn upside-down, literally, and we would be Argentina—only without the tango and empanadas.

Postscript—Well, sports fans, that does it for another week here on the gridiron where Donald Trump just keeps on winning—in his mind. Nuff said. Speaking of football (that's called a shameless segue), Sarah Fuller, a senior at Vanderbilt University made history for her second-half kickoff for the men's football team, the Commodores, against the Missouri Tigers. (The regular kickers were quarantined for COVID.) She wore the No. 32 jersey and sported a slogan on the back of her helmet: "Play like a girl." Sarah also is on the roster of the women's soccer team. Wilson and the band, who normally don't give a rat's pajamas about football, are totally down with Sarah. Imagine that. And speaking of women (shameless segue), President-elect Joe Biden has appointed an all-female White House communications team. Think of it, an entire women's squad of placekickers. We'll see how they do putting it through the uprights compared with Kayleigh McEnany and Sarah Huckabee Sanders—there just doesn't seem to be a fitting football metaphor for that dynamic duo of duplicity. Now, all we have to do is hold our breath until Jan. 20. It will be a real New Year when the dark clouds lift across the nation, bringing a whole new ballgame.

Well, Wilson, if we make it through the holidays, Trump's last stand and COVID-19, our ship will really have come in. That's pretty upbeat, considering the perfect storm, but the staff here at Smart Bomb is always looking for favorable winds. So, get the guys on deck and ship us out with a little something to keep our spinnakers full:

While cruising 'round Yarmouth one day for a spree
I spied a fair damsel, the wind blowing free
I'm a fast-going clipper me kind sir says she
I'm ready for cargo me hold is quite free

Singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie I fal-der-all day...

Which country she came from she didn't show much
She might have been English or German or Dutch
A neat little packet all nicely endowed
She was round in the quarters and bluff in the bow

Singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie I fal-der-all day...

I threw out me hauser and took her in tow
and, yardarm to yardarm, a-towing we'd go.
She lowered her forsails, her staysails and all
with her lily white hand on me reef tackle fall

Singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie I fal-der-all day...

"Cruising 'Round Yarmouth"—Harry Cox of Catfield, England, 1953

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