War on Christmas—Again | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
Support the Free Press.
Facts matter. Truth matters. Journalism matters.
Salt Lake City Weekly has been Utah's source of independent news and in-depth journalism since 1984.
Donate today to ensure the legacy continues.

News » Opinion

War on Christmas—Again

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Well, it's that time of year again. Jingle bells, decking the halls, getting drunk on eggnog and trimming the Christmas tree. That's right, you left-wing pagans, it's not the holiday tree, is it? And we haven't been holiday shopping, have we? No siree Bob. It's the goddamn Christmas tree, you heathen bastards. You can be a Muslim or a Jew or an atheist, or a Hindu or a Buddhist, but it's Christmas, and it's a Christmas tree—not a Buddha tree and not a Shiva tree. Rush Limbaugh said we're not going to stand by and watch this War on Christmas without assailing minorities. Santa is white. Jesus is white, and it's a White Christmas. People don't dream of a hedonist Christmas or a Muslim Christmas—no, it's a White Christmas for white people. Now, if you happen to be a minority or one of these other types who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, you can go ahead and Christmas shop anyway, on account of we are big-minded. But don't go around saying, "happy holidays," and don't make our kids say "happy holidays" in school because we won't stand for it. You want war, you'll get war. It'll be the Christian Crusades all over again because we believe in our Lord Jesus and his teachings, so shut the f--k up on that BS, or else.

How to Get Trump to Leave the White House

1. Tell him Nancy Pelosi is coming for a sleep-over.

2. Say the TV is stuck on CNN, and Jake Tapper keeps saying he's insecure.

3. Tell him Michael Cohen has bugged his bathroom cabinet near the spray-on-tan.

4. Tell him Antifa is now delivering for McDonald's.

5. Say Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has been hired as Melania's hair stylist.

6. Tell him Vlady Putin doesn't want to see his sorry loser ass ever again.

7. Tell him residents of Palm Beach want him to stay in the White House.

8. Say Laura Ingraham won't blow smoke up his pants anymore.

9. Tell him someone left a bloody horse's head in his bed.

10. And tell him the Supreme Court says to "f--k off."

Doctor Who? That Skank
OK, who does that Jill Biden think she is calling herself "doctor" when she ain't no doctor? It's these damned liberal elites who think they're better than real Americans who have to work for a living but don't want no universal healthcare on account of that's socialism. It's people like that skank Jill Biden who call themselves "doctor" so they can go around with their noses in the air and make people like us feel stupid. Well, we'll just see about that. Remember Hillary "Benghazi" Clinton? That's right, nine Congressional investigations into Hillary and how she killed everybody at Benghazi. By the time we were done, people who watch fake news thought she was guilty as stink. And then we hit the emails. So, go right ahead Miss Cutesy Dutesy, call yourself "doctor" or Mary or Mother Theresa. It don't make no difference. Just because good ol' Joe has Teflon, like Bill Clinton, doesn't mean we can't getcha. Before you know it, Doctor Jill will be an abortionist and Hunter Biden will be the kingpin of the Biden Crime Family. You think you're better than us? Well, you've got another thing comin'. See, we like people like Sarah Palin who don't pretend she reads. What's the difference between a soccer mom and a pig? The pig wears lipstick. Better watch it, Dr. Who.

Postscript—Remember that thing TV news people do every Christmas eve? They say, NORAD radar has just sighted something coming from the North Pole, and it could be Santa Claus, his sleigh and reindeer on their way to bring presents to good boys and girls everywhere. It's called the "Santa Tracker" (we are not making this up), and they've been doing it now for 60 years. It's just one more piece of our lovely Christmas tradition, except if you're a poor kid watching TV on Dec. 24. Sad to say, but there a lot of kids in poor families here in the good ol' USA. Somewhere between 13 to 15 million kids belong to families that are "food insecure," meaning they don't know where their next meal is coming from, let alone if Santa is coming down the chimney. Somehow, this has become the celebration of Jesus of Nazareth, who blessed the poor, the hungry and the persecuted. This is the celebration of Jesus of Nazareth who cursed those with wealth, comfort, and power. And not least, the Jesus who said love your enemies and do unto others as you would do to yourself. Oops, looks like we've done it again—we've confused X-mas with Christmas. So, while we're at it, we might as well tell you that it was Paul who spread Christianity, and not Jesus—or one of his original apostles. Paul didn't even know Jesus. We better stop there before someone smites us down in the name of ... well, you know.

Well Wilson, the band seems to be in the Christmas spirit, and we're assuming it has nothing to do with eggnog or magic holiday gummy bears, so put us in the proper holiday spirit and take us out with a little something for the special day:

Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.

"Suzanne" —Leonard Cohen