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We Need Weed



Editor's Note: As more and more print media scale back or even cease their print editions, a burning question remains: Which publication left standing can proficiently cover the ever-expanding cannabis universe? After years of trying to enlighten and save the lives of Utah's close-minded, anti-science rubes, John Saltas—founder of City Weekly and author of the Private Eye column that usually appears in this space, admits to being driven back to bong. And beginning April 1, he intends to focus on "happy things ... like weed, a middle ground where even rubes can join in." To launch the initiative, we've sought the expertise of friends in high places—in this case, Jennifer Fumiko Cahill of the North Coast Journal—to help envision cannabis strains that could get us to the home stretch of COVID recovery. Recreational weed may not yet be legal in Utah, but it's our goal to keep readers informed as to how the rest of West is feeling, which is probably more elevated than we can expect to feel anytime soon.

Cannabis Strains We Wish We Had

Six-foot Skunk
Whoa, there. Are people getting a little lax with social distance after a year? This heavy diesel, extra stinky bud is bred with skunk cabbage genetics and raised in a compost of teenage boys' socks and a mystery compound found in a Tupperware in the back of the break room fridge at our lab. Whatever it was, it's sure to give anyone who smokes or even handles it without the proper protective gear a strong radius of solitude.

If, like a startling number of Americans, you have a loved one who's fallen into a Q-Anon hole and can't get out, this strain offers hope. A cross of Dabula Raza and Pizzagate with alarmingly potent psychoactive powers, a single gummy or a dropper of tincture creates a mind-wiping high that should, once your loved one regains consciousness in a couple of days, clear the slate back to around June of 2016. You'll have to fill them in on some things but it's worth it.

Legion of Zoom
Virtual meetings are wearing us all down. Can a trippy, deep-focus Indica like Majic Eye be combined with the disorienting buzz of Oculux to make it nearly impossible to discern remote communication from seeing each other face to face, so much so that you might crack your screen trying to clink glasses with people? I don't know, are we in the same room right now? Please tell me—I think I'm really, really high.

Is the spark of hope over vaccines dampened when you look back at how you spent the last year? This spunkiest of Sativas will, as flower, put you on a path to productivity, burning down your to-do list of garage cleaning and gardening as if you weren't simultaneously grappling with your slice of a national mental health emergency. Take it in dab form and you could come out of this pandemic with abs and conversational Portuguese.

Sofa Kushion
Feeling the productivity pressure but not ready to attack your home like a Minecrafting 10-year-old hopped up on orange soda? Double down on lying down with this cross of intense Indica strains Inersha and Lazee Boi, and just ride out the next few months eating cereal and sinking deeper into the couch.

Dazey-Head Hazy
Are you way too worked up about the estate of Dr. Seuss choosing to discontinue publishing six of his 60 children's books? This cross of bracing Lorax Smax and mellow Who Hash should make your heart grow three sizes—possibly enough to consider little kids whose feelings are hurt by racist caricatures—and help you unclench with a Cat in the Hat-level high. Oh, the places you'll go. (Watch out for offshoot strains Thing 1 and Thing 2—they'll sneak up on you.)

Date Accompli
Dating in the 21st century was tough enough without the lockdown. If a third date has you as anxious as the third wave, this CBD-rich strain is ideal for looking at a guy with his mask under his nose and telling yourself, "He'll probably wear a condom, right?" This one's available as a relaxing scented bath bomb that you can also just eat like an apple if you start to freak out.

Do the harassment allegations rolling in against Gov. Andrew Cuomo remind you a little too much of your workplace? Grinding away under bosses trying to grind you down is stressful. You need a self-care routine that will detoxify you from your toxic environment. Too bad that's impossible without actual consequences for people who've abused their positions of power! You can, however, keep a baseline buzz going to numb you to at least some of shouting, intimidation and boundary crossing so it's like watching an unfunny version of The Office. It comes in donut form.

Darth Vaxer
Hear that heavy breathing? That's your steady inhale and exhale echoing from what feels like a cavernous helmet but is really the insulating buzz of a strain created by pairing soothing Fauci-Wan Kenobi with the cautious vibes of Purple Tier. It'll cover your anxiety waiting for your shot and allow you to banish anti-vax social media posts with the wave of your gauntlet.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill—arts and features editor at the North Coast Journal—scribed the Week in Weed column that previously ran in the NCJ. She reminds us that while these strains of cannabis are fantasy, hunger in our communities is real and encourages readers to do their part and donate to local food banks. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.

Send comments to john@cityweekly.net.