Derek Jones: After seeing Arsenic and Old Lace as a child, I always thought arsenic poisoning from two old ladies with a crazy brother would be a very entertaining way to die. Alas, I don’t think it’s in my cards, so I guess I’ll poison myself with the Deseret News—definitely not as entertaining a death.
Nick Clark: If the newspaper had more cartoon mazes leading me to all the parts of a complete breakfast, I would find it much less painful.
Christopher Westergard: What is breakfast?
Annie Quan: Actually waking up in time to have breakfast.
Jackie Briggs: I usually save most poison until after breakfast. That is, until the Speidi started infiltrating my morning Website review in lethal doses. If you don’t know who, or shall I say what, that is, God almighty, keep that way!
Matt Engle: Coffee and Snus are very pleasurable. So, it has to be the paper. And the only reason I read the daily is to find new leads on hearing aid and mortuary companies.
Bill Frost: Since I usually have my personal assistant Jackie read the morning paper to me as I eat the breakfast burrito and 64-ounce Coke she just delivered, it’s not all that painful. Until I get to Kirby or Rolly.
Joe Chepolis: Probably reading the paper. The morning poisons are set in stone. Coffee, whiskey, cigarettes and bacon. Breakfast of Champions ... and Stevie Ray Vaughan (well, he had some coke mixed in as well, but we’re close).
Jeremiah Smith: Well, I rarely eat breakfast. But if we’re talking about booze as poison, it’s always harder to read when you have been drinking—especially in the morning.
Jerre Wroble: A nice bacon & egg breakfast with a side of hash browns at the Park Café, reading the Trib, is a guilty weekend pleasure. Guess I’m doomed.