Who the Hell Is Chris Peterson? | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Who the Hell Is Chris Peterson?

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Who is Chris Peterson? Here is a clue: He says he's no Nancy Pelosi. The last Utahn to say that was Democratic Congressman Ben McAdams. So maybe Chris Peterson is a Democrat. Utah Democrats always say they aren't Nancy Pelosi—who Republicans have vilified as the She-Devil who wants fair wages for workers, affordable health care and affordable education. Damned communist. The thing about being a Democrat in Utah is that it's like being a man (or woman) without a country. There really is no state Democratic Party—the staff here at Smart Bomb searched high and low but could find no trace of it. So, if you haven't heard of Chris Peterson, you're not alone. Outside of Chris Peterson's family, few people know he's running for governor. Poor Chris Peterson doesn't stand a Mormon missionary's chance in San Francisco. But that doesn't mean Chris Peterson is a dummy—not at all. He's a professor at the U of U's S.J. Quinney College of Law. And he stands for a lot of good things, including "promoting affordable health care, ensuring quality education, upholding environment stewardship and safeguarding consumers." Too bad no one has heard of him—he would have been a good governor.

Police Really Do Care
This item came to the news desk here at Smart Bomb from one of our crack correspondents who keep track of important regional news stories across the country. As far as the editors here at Smart Bomb can tell, it's for real.

Kerrville, TX—The police department in the small hill-country town of Kerrville, 65 miles northwest of San Antonio, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the State Highway 87 bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2½-inch false eyelashes and a Trump T-shirt. The police removed the Trump T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police do care.

Wilson and the band are laughing, but maybe it did really happen.

COVID-19 Will Simply Disappear, Except in Red States
As President Donald Trump said last week on ABC at a televised town hall meeting, COVID-19 will simply disappear from blue states. This, of course, is unfortunate for us here in Utah on account of we're redder than the old Soviet flag. And wouldn't you know it, COVID-19 cases are spiking here, and we haven't even had one of those Trump boat parades where small craft get swamped by the wakes of big boats and sink. But here in the Beehive State, we're patriotic freedom lovers, and that means we can't wear masks because it takes our freedom away. As Attorney General Bill Barr said, it's worse than slavery. And when has he ever been wrong?

As President Trump told Bob Woodward, he likes to play the pandemic down in red states. And as he told George Stephanopoulos on ABC, he likes to play it up in the blue ones. That way, the red staters can party and go to bars and their economies will be great, and those dopes in the blue states won't have any fun, although they will spend less time on ventilators. But not to worry: We'll have a vaccine by Halloween, and the kiddies can go trick-or-treating—but watch out for razor blades in apples. They could be deadly.

Postscript—Ever feel like Rodney King, who famously said: "Can't we all just get along?" Rodney King was a black man who lived in Los Angeles and was severely beaten by LAPD officers in March 1991 after a high-speed chase. He was hit at least 53 times by police batons. His injuries included a broken right leg, numerous cuts and contusions on his face, which was badly swollen, numerous bruises to his body and a burned area on his chest where he had been jolted with a 50,000-volt stun gun. Long before smart phones, the beating was captured by sheer happenstance by George Holliday who was in his backyard testing out a new movie camera. Police Chief Daryl Gates conceded the officers used excessive force but of the four cops who were charged, none were convicted by an all-white jury in Seamy, er ... Simi Valley, 42 miles away. After the verdict, LA went up in flames. Six days of rioting left 63 people dead and at least 2,383 seriously injured. It was during the upheaval that Rodney King said, "People, I want to say: Can't we all just get along?" During our national shitstorm that seems to burn hotter each day, it might be nice just to hear those words from someone—say, like Mitch McConnell. Yeah, we know, we're dreaming. Bumper stickers, maybe?.

Alright Wilson, you're up, so let's see what you and the band have to harbor us during this political hurricane season:

'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue, the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm"

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails, and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm"

I'm livin' in a foreign country, but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm"

"Shelter From The Storm"—Bob Dylan

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