No Friends. No West Wing. No Law & Order. No ER. No Conan. Nada. NBC is going to be televising “375.5 hours of Olympic coverage” this month—the “.5” representing a wild-card half-hour in which the Today Show’s $65-million Katie Couric sits pants-less on a block of ice, Ã la last week’s Super Bowl Fear Factor, while Bob Costas screams, “Show me the money!” at her—and little else. On the upside, Last Call With Carson Daly will be off the air for two massive-tool-free weeks. On the downside, Passions will continue uninterrupted in daytime.
*Thursday, Feb. 7: Charmed (The WB, 8 p.m.) The Source (the demonic entity, not the hip-hop magazine) releases a dark cloud that steals witches’ powers—what, again? This show is nothing but hot brunettes in tight tanks anymore ... not that it’s a problem or anything.
*Friday, Feb. 8: 2002 Olympic Winter Games (NBC, 6 p.m.) Opening Ceremony: Bob Costas and Katie Couric welcome the world to Mo’ Town, er, Salt Lake City, with Sting, LeeAnn Rimes, the Dixie Chicks and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Utah’s rep as the dullest place on earth is sooo shattered now.
* Saturday, Feb. 9: Mad TV (Fox, 10 p.m.) Pretty actors Chris Klein and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos drop by to pimp Rollerball, a new movie based on an old movie that prime demographics have never heard of, and generational-specific hilarity ensues.
*Sunday, Feb. 10: Sex and the City (HBO, 10 p.m.); Project Greenlight (HBO, 10:30 p.m.) Season Finales: Carrie says buh-bye to Big, Samantha finds love, Miranda gets fatter and the other one ... well, no one cares; Pete Jones finally finishes his crappy movie! Ben Affleck and Matt Damon might show up! Yeah, right.
* Monday, Feb. 11: The 126th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (USA, 6 p.m.) Take a break from all that Olympic action and watch 2,500 prissy mutts prance around Madison Square Garden. Beats the hell out of curling.
*Tuesday, Feb. 12: Making the Video (MTV, 7:30 p.m.) South American twinkie Shakira reveals her glam secrets: Brazilian shampoo and midgets who hold up her breasts between takes.
*Wednesday, Feb. 13: Special Unit 2 (UPN, 7 p.m.) Series Finale: Oh, great—another cool sci-fi show canceled! Where’s Carl the Gnome gonna get a job now? With Shakira? Not bad ...