7. Every time the game clock seems to almost synchronize with anything that’s happening on the field, take a shot.

6. Every time a player is taken out with a career-ending shin bruise, take a shot.

5. Every time a stray chicken, goat or referee wanders onto the field, take a shot.

4. Every time a goaltender or random fan appears to awaken from his nap, take a shot.

3. Every time an announcer refers to soccer as a “sport” rather than “a leisurely jog in pretty shorts,” take a shot.

2. Every time a play ends with no score, take a shot. [Please designate a sober driver. —City Weekly legal dept.]

1. Every time a game ends with no score, kill the bottle. [Please pre-notify next of kin. —City Weekly legal dept.]

Bill Frost: