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Culture » True TV

Xmas Onslaught

Holiday movies are already piling up from Hallmark, Lifetime and ... Ion(?)



Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (Lifetime; Saturday, Nov. 29) Sigh. It's 2013 all over again when preteen Chyrstal(?) becomes trapped in the mall on Christmas Eve and forms a fast friendship with sarcastic Internet meme of yesteryear Grumpy Cat (voiced by Aubrey Plaza). Find out if Grumpy learns the true meaning of Christmas and/or Chyrstal has her meds adjusted for talking to a cat.

An En Vogue Christmas (Lifetime; Saturday, Nov. 22) The singers of En Vogue (as played by the current legally recognized singers of En Vogue) reunite for a holiday benefit concert to save the nightclub that gave them their start and to forgive the sleazy manager (David Alan Grier) who "broke them up." Nothing says Christmas like revisionist history!

A Royal Christmas (Hallmark; Saturday, Nov. 22) When a working-class girl (Lacey Chabert) learns that her new fiance is actually the prince of a European country, they jet off for the holidays to meet the Queen mum (Jane Seymour), who has her own scheme to get her son and his duchess ex-girlfriend back together. Screenplay based on a series of spam e-mails.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered for Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries; Sunday, Nov. 23) Did you know that the writer of Touched By an Angel had a Christian-y TV series about four postal workers who make it their mission to deliver dead letters (aka undeliverable mail)? "It was grandma's dying wish that Timmy get this Circuit City gift card! Let's roll!"

Christmas Under Wraps (Hallmark; Saturday, Nov. 29) A big-city doctor lady (Full House's Candace Cameron Bure) moves to small-town Garland (ha!), Alaska, and falls for a local yokel—but there's a life-changing Big Christmas Secret waiting for her in a local warehouse. If this were a horror movie, it would be the zombie Olsen Twins. Or big brother Kirk Cameron.

Christmas at Cartwright's (Hallmark; Sunday, Dec. 7) With the help of an angel, broke single mom Nikki (Alicia Witt) lands a job playing a department store Santa, as well as a new romance. Apparently, angels now fulfill the same purpose as Craigslist.

Merry Ex-Mas (Ion; Sunday, Dec. 7) When a security guard (Dean Cain) is caught in some misleading photos with a rock-star client (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe), his wife (Kristy Swanson) kicks him out and divorces him. A year later, the exes become trapped over Christmas in a snowbound cabin. Will he win his ex-wife back? Can Christmas be saved? Most importantly, what's Ion?

The Santa Con (Lifetime; Saturday, Dec. 13) Recently paroled small-time criminal Nick (Barry Watson), forced to take a job as a mall Santa (sensing a pattern?), inadvertently promises a young boy that he'll get the kid's estranged parents back together for Christmas. With prodding from his sister (Melissa Joan Hart) and a pastor (Wendy! Williams!), Nick decides to somehow make good on the promise—until he meets the hot mom (Melissa Sagemiller). So many "Yule log" jokes ...

The Christmas Parade (Hallmark; Sunday, Dec. 14) After being humiliated on-air, a big-city TV-news personality (AnnaLynne McCord) retreats to a small town, gets in trouble with the law, is sentenced to community service, and then falls for an artist while helping kids build a float for the local Christmas parade, which could save their community center. Sheesh. What is this, The Wire?

Back to Christmas (Ion; Saturday, Dec. 20) A lonely woman (Kelly Overton) in a diner on Christmas Eve laments about how she split with her fiance last Christmas and wishes she could go back and fix it. No sooner than you can say "1.21 gigawatts," she's transported back in time and given the chance to change history. Choose wisely: love ... or assassinating Grumpy Cat!