I don’t always go to the Governor of Utah’s Christmas parties. But when I do, I always look fantastic. Who the hell am I kidding? Sweet baby Jesus, why did I think it was a good idea to wear a turtleneck to Governor Gary Herbert’s Holiday Open House? ---The plan was to get a great photo with the governor for my annual Christmas card. I should have known that anyone who wears a turtleneck, no matter what, always ends up looking like Therman from Dinner for Schmucks.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, every year the Governor of Utah holds a holiday soiree and invites friends, politicians and, of course, a bunch of media bigwigs. I had no business being at that party. I think the only reason I was there was because no one else from City Weekly wanted to go. But I figured, “Hell, I could get a bangin’-ass Christmas card out of this thing.”

G-Herb’s party had everything you’d expect from the Governor of Utah: flashy Christmas trees in every room, white- and dark-chocolate fondue fountains, kids playing violins, various meats on top of little pieces of toast, British people and, of course, spiced mother-fucking cider. It was the perfect Christmas party.

Since the invitation included a plus one, I brought along my girlfriend, Nicole -- who, being the good sport she is, chose an outfit that you've probably seen on any nondescript episode of Designing Women.

Nicole looked great, so consequently I knew my outfit also had to be perfect. It needed to be classy but rugged, revealing but subtle and, most importantly -- overall badass. No, I’m not talking about wearing a duster...

I’m talking about a red turtleneck, coupled with a gold chain and a navy-blue velvet sport coat. It seemed like the perfect choice, considering I hate Christmas ties, shaving my neck and I actually thought I would look like Shaft.

But I did not look like Shaft. In fact, this combo was a terrible choice. It was confining, itchy and I spent the night with a look on my face like I was hiding a pinecone in my ass.

Now, as I previously mentioned, the whole point of this thing was to get a photo with Gov G. for our Christmas card. So like anxious kids waiting to see a mall Santa, Nicole and I had to wait in a hefty line to see the jolly governor. Unfortunately, while we waited, some old lady was trying to tell us about the history of the mansion. I had a lot on my mind and I really didn't want to hear that shit.

I hate the Tin Man. 

After hearing about how the mansion was originally built in 1902 by Thomas Kearns, who was also a part owner of the Salt Lake Tribune, we got to the front of the line and were briefly introduced to the First Couple. We mingled and got in our places for the photo and, I shit you not, not even 5 seconds before the photo was taken, he leaned over to us and said with a cheery smile, “Make sure you head upstairs after this. That’s where all the chocolate yum yums are!” wiggling his fingers close to his mouth.

Wha?! Perhaps that was his routine ice-breaker joke for the night or the dude really loves yums yums. I don't know, but nothing could have prepared me for that comment. I was so thrown back that I let out a slight chuckle and stuttered, “I ... I ... I like chocolate.” The photographer then counted down 3, 2, 1 ...