Dear GYA, I am a recent returned missionary and I can’t seem to find any young Mormon ladies in the Salt Lake Valley. I’ve looked in the obvious places -- the kitchen, BYU, Costco and numerous church nurseries -- but I just can’t seem to find them anywhere. My bishop tells me I must get married immediately. And I’m really pushing my luck—I’ve already been home for one month!--- But, it appears that all of the girls have left on their own missions. This situation is almost as bad as the "wear pants to church" movement. I’m so desperate that I’ve even resorted to writing this letter to City Weekly (the anti-Christ newspaper). But, I just want to know: What can I do to find all the LDS ladies who are still here? –Brigham McKay, Provo

Well, Brigham, this is probably the most bizarre letter I’ve ever seen, but I’ll try to help you, nonetheless. Here’s what you can do tonight on your LDS-lady search (is that even legal?):

To begin, there’s nothing Mormon girls like to do more than dress up in tacky neon '80s clothes (but only if the spandex is modest). So, why don’t you hit Area 51’s '80s Insanity Night? The party starts at 8 and there will be tons of dancing fun! Click here for more information.

You could also try a Twilight Concert. The first one starts tomorrow night, with Belle & Sebastian (with Blitzen Trapper). The gates open at 5 at Pioneer Park, and the tickets are $5. You can buy them online here or in person at the concert.

And lastly, you could show your macho side (if you have one) or cozy up next to a cute girl at the Bees vs. River Cats baseball game. It’s "Thirsty Thursday" at Spring Mobile Ballpark, and first pitch is at 7:05. Buy tickets here.

For a complete list of today’s events, click here.