Guinness stocks are beginning to be depleted and bright red beards flood the shelves of every Dollar General across the Wasatch Front, which could only mean one thing: St. Patrick’s Day is upon us! Yep, that magical day wherein we celebrate the life and times of the Romano-British Christian bishop mastermind who developed a special green beer dye responsible for some wicked hangovers and, yes, green bowel movements, is here. To celebrate it, we’ve complied this list of fun-filled activities—from parades to Jell-O wrestling—guaranteed to put a smile on the face of every Irishman, Irish for-the-day and just plain drunks.
1. Go green, or go home
You know the drill. Good places to find verdant vestiture include The Dollar Tree, Goodwill, Deseret Industries, or the local Pib’s Exchange (1147 E. Ashton Ave., 801-484-7996). Hands off that “Shit Me, I’m Kiss Faced” T-shirt!
2. Check out some sweet jams at the Best of Utah Music Winner Showcase
Sky, 149 Pierpoint Ave., 216-375-4684, Friday, March 11, 8 pm
OK, OK, this one isn’t exactly Irish-themed, but trust us when we tell you a lot of beer went into the creation of last week’s Best of Utah Music issue. To celebrate the fact that our livers remain intact (for the most part), we’re celebrating some of the best musical talent the state has to offer with a slew of live performances by the likes of DJ Sneekylong, The Aces, The National Parks, Thunderfist and Folk Hogan (who we are sure has at least one redheaded member).
3. Eat anything and everything even slightly Irish
Corned beef and cabbage, green eggs and ham, green M&Ms…eat it all. Want some cooking advice from our food critic? Check out Ted Scheffler’s current column, where, along with a recipe, he also lists some good Irish spots to check out. Places like Murphy’s Bar & Grill (160 S. Main, 801-359-7271), The Leprechaun Inn (4700 900 E. Ste. 6, 801-268-3294), Flanagan’s (438 Main, Park City, 435-649-8600) or MacCool’s Public House (1400 Foothill Drive Ste. 166, 801-582-3111). Many of these bars/grills will have live music, too, including Dublin singer-songwriter Pat Waters at the Inn on March 11 at 7 pm Hungry for some Irish soda bread? Stop by Mrs. Backer’s Pastry Shop (434 E. South Temple, 801-532-2022) for your doughy fix—no pesky Ziploc needed.
4. Drink everything Irish, too
Irish whiskey, Guinness, green beer. Ever drank Bailey’s from a shoe? Now’s your chance. Some local Irish watering holes include O’Shucks (multiple locations), The Republican (917 S. State, 801-595-1916), Piper Down (1492 S. State, 801-468-1492) and Fiddler’s Elbow (1063 E. 2100 South, 801-463-9393). Most of these places serve Irish pub grub as well, and even have live music so you can jig like there's nobody watching.
5. Hug a ginger!
Because they’re people, too. And, despite the rumors, they do have souls (we think).
6. Experience St. Patrick’s Day in Snowbird
The Lodge Bistro, Snowbird Resort, March 17, 4 pm-11 pm, 801-933-2222
For traditional Irish grub, music, green beer and prize giveaways, head up to Snowbird this weekend. While you’re there, sip on a “Feisty Irishman”—a concoction featuring Bushmills Irish whiskey, Hot Damn! Cinnamon Schnapps, Ryan's Irish-Style Cream Liqueur and a dash of Tabasco sauce ($9). Just make sure to indulge after hitting the slopes. You don't want to be the first person charged with a SWI (Skiing While Intoxicated).
7. Prep your body with the Leprechaun Lope 10K, 5K and 2-Mile Fun Run
Utah State Capitol, 350 N. State, March 12, 8:30 am
There’s a reason March 18 is International Hangover Day, so treat your body right and help out Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic School in the process by participating in the Leprechaun Lope 10K, 5K and 2-Mile Fun Run. All three start bright and early, with the 10k heading out at 8:30 am. Be sure to wear your green, and keep an eye out for Leprechauns along the track. Think of them as hurdles and get your Flo-Jo on.
Starts at 400 W. 200 North, continues south through The Gateway, March 12, 10 am
This is the definitive event in Salt Lake City’s great lineup for St. Patrick’s Day. This year’s parade theme is “The Irish Rising,” honoring the 100th anniversary of the Easter Rising that sparked the Emerald Isle's independence fight. March with the green of Salt Lake City this year and let your Irish pride flag fly.
9. Go to McDonald’s and drink obscene amounts of Shamrock Shake until the stuff comes out of your nose
OK, we were just making sure you were still paying attention.
9 (for reals). Go to Gracie’s 4th Annual Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day Celebration
326 West Temple, 801-819-7565, Saturday, March 12, 10 am-1 am, no cover
Head to Gracie’s after the parade to enjoy brunch, followed by live music under a tent by Folk Hogan, Marmalade Hill, DJ Elliot Estes and Chaseone2. After that, get ready for some casino action and, yes, a cornhole tournament. Is that a bean bag in your pocket or are you just happy I’m Irish?
10. Beer me, West Fest
425 N. 400 West, March 12, 11 am-4 pm
As Mentioned above, there’s no need to stop the party after the parade ends. Red Rock Brewing Co. and Mountain West Hard Cider have teamed up to bring you the fourth annual West Fest, which along with primo suds will feature food trucks and live music by the likes of Utah’s own Celtic rock group Swagger, whose band description reads: "Practice makes perfect, many do think, but a man's n'er too perfect when he's practiced at drink.” We’ll raise our gauntlet to that.
11. Get Lucky
The Great Saltair, 12408 W. Saltair Drive, Magna, 801-250-4388, March 12, 6 pm
For those lovers of green 18 years and older, Get Lucky 2016 promises a night of amazing music and dance with Montréal’s own Adventure Club, Netherlands electronic dance duo Bingo Players and Germany’s Cosmic Gate. The best part, however, might just be the setting. Situated on the shores of the Great Salt Lake, the Great Saltair is dubbed by Roadside America as “the cursed resort.” Will luck be on your side tonight? There’s only one way of finding out.
12. Imbibe cocktails and culture
The Leonardo, 209 E. 500 South, 801-531-9800, March 17, 7-9 pm
The Leonardo invites everyone to bring their green and gold out to Leo’s Libations’ Pints for St. Paddy’s—an exploration of Irish culture with in-depth discussion of Irish traditions and modern adaptations. Be prepared for a delightful spread of Irish culinary (five courses to be exact) and brewing culture hosted by Leo resident chef Karli Orton and directed by Top Chef alum Katie Weinner. Tickets run $65 ($55 for designated drivers). While you’re there, catch the current Water exhibit, which celebrates the precious substance that covers 70 percent of our planet, composes 60 percent of our bodies and without which beer would not be a reality.
13. Do something that doesn't necessarily involve beer
Fort Douglas Post Theater, 245 S. Fort Douglas Blvd., 801-530-3123, March 12, 7:30 pm
Celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Easter Rising, the beginnings of an independent Ireland, “The Signatories 1916” is a concert presented by the Hibernian Society of Utah featuring singer-songwriter Pat Walter. Tickets are $15 at the door or online at IrishInUtah.com. The production, which has toured Ireland far and wide, tells the stories of the seven badasses who signed Ireland's Proclamation of Independence and staged a revolution long before movements like Occupy O'Connell Street or hashtags like #IrishLivesMatter could be a reality.
14. See red
Multiple locations, Kanab, 435-644-5033, March 17-19
Southern Utah, you deserve some green lovin’ too. For those in and around Kanab, Shamrocks & Redrocks, a weekend extravaganza kicking off March 17 is set to deliver a parade, music of the live variety, a costume party, a beer garden and more. Just don’t go venturing off into one of the abandoned area mines looking for gold. The most you’ll find is construction sand and a hefty fine.
15. Win a championship belt
Crawl starts at Lumpy’s Sports Bar and Grill, 145 Pierpont Ave., 801-883-8714, March 19, 8 pm
Now in its fourth iteration, the Slamrock Green Mile Pubcrawl returns promising revelry across 10 local bars you can crawl (drag yourself? Be pushed in a shopping cart?) to. Come decked out in your best St. Paddy’s-themed garb, and enjoy a night of drinking and merriment. Pick up your $5 cup and map at Lumpy’s downtown and take full advantage of exclusive drink specials, parties, giveaways and more along the route. Oh, did we mention the night includes the “World championship green Jell-O wrestling?” So, there.
16. Find a hairy soulmate
2005 S. 1100 East, 801-574-2454, March 17-20
A wicked hangover and a visit to the free clinic as lone souvenirs of the holiday are beyond cliché. Why not commemorate the occasion with something a tad more lovable and furry and adopt a pet? What does this have to do with St. Paddy’s Day, you ask? Absolutely nothing, laddy, but Best Friends Pet Adoption Center is dropping adoption fees from March 17-20, so why not hug Mittens instead of the toilet?
17. GET HOME SAFE
Finally, and most importantly, don’t drink and drive, people. There are several ways to get home safe this St. Patty’s Day. Get one of you friend’s to agree to be DD and promise to pay them in with a lifetime supply of glue-on red beards, green Jell-O of shady provenance or mad leftover corned beef breakfast burritos. If you haven’t jumped on the rideshare app bandwagon, this might be the time (but keep in mind that prices can get higher when there’s more demand). Another solid option is TRAX, which generally goes until 11:30 pm-midnight Monday-Saturday; and until around 11:30 pm on Sunday. See more info at RideUTA.com. Whatever you choose, just choose wisely. In the words of St. Patrick himself: “Don’t be that dick.” OK, he never said that, but still, don’t be.
Take it away, Betty...