Guinness stocks are beginning to be depleted and bright red beards flood the shelves of every Dollar General across the Wasatch Front, which could only mean one thing: St. Patrick’s Day is upon us! Yep, that magical day wherein we celebrate the life and times of the Romano-British Christian bishop mastermind who developed a special green beer dye responsible for some wicked hangovers and, yes, green bowel movements, is here. To celebrate it, we’ve complied this list of fun-filled activities—from parades to Jell-O wrestling—guaranteed to put a smile on the face of every Irishman, Irish for-the-day and just plain drunks.
1. Go green, or go home
You know the drill. Good places to find verdant vestiture include The Dollar Tree, Goodwill, Deseret Industries, or the local Pib’s Exchange (1147 E. Ashton Ave., 801-484-7996). Hands off that “Shit Me, I’m Kiss Faced” T-shirt!
Take it away, Betty...