You’ve got to hand it to Sen. Luz Escamilla. In response to the Senate’s vote Friday to ban elective abortions in Utah in the event that the U.S. Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade, the Salt Lake City lawmaker tried to slip in an amendment that would outlaw male masturbation, chicken-choking, rocket-polishing, monkey-spanking, worm-burping, taco-saucing, making Dallin Oaks cry ... we could do this all day! Was Escamilla nuts? Hardly. Her point was to make men equally responsible for a woman’s pregnancy, and to criminalize dudes as much as the lege wants to criminalize women. Doesn’t feel so good, huh fellas? But really, shouldn’t every sperm be sacred? Or is that just the Catholics? Escamilla’s amendment failed, of course, to much junior-high-school snickering from the men in charge.
On Thursday, the Senate decided to rightly dump language in the state surrogacy law that shackled the rights of gay parents. But while the vote might seem like a sign that Utah politicians are finally dragging the state out of the dark ages—just a little, nothing too crazy!—we remind you that it was only last year when the Utah Supreme Court struck down the law that prevented gay couples from having kids through a surrogate, so this vote was just a formality. A way for lege Republicans to say, “How can you say I hate the gays? Look, I voted for this!” The vote was unanimous in the House and had only one ‘no’ vote in the Senate—we see you, Lyle Hillyard, whose most notable moment this session came last month, when the Logan Republican tweeted that “A person working at a job that does not pay a livable wage really only has a hobby,” which he then had to walk back, because really, dude?