- Enrique Limón
Every time Valentine's Day rolls around, I can't help but think of the time a good friend of mine got brutally dumped on this fateful day of the Cupid. The really sick part of the whole fiasco was that his birthday also happens to fall on Feb. 14 (happy b-day, dude). The sheer insensitivity of dropping such a bomb is a point of sociopathic fascination for me, and my heart goes out to those who have a nasty case of valentine venom. If Valentine's Day hasn't been particularly kind and your heart chafes with the ides of February, here's a sample of some culinary comfort you can serve yourself.
If you're nursing a recently broken heart, it's high time to punish the organ that's causing you all that grief. It is only through the immolation of your atria and ventricles that you can truly begin to heal, so head over to Lucky 13 (135 W. 1300 South, 801-487-4418) and order yourself a Ring of Fire ($10). Even if you're no stranger to spicy burgers, the mixture of roasted jalapeño and habanero peppers will sear you straight to the core. If you're prone to tears during your visit, don't worry—no one will judge you for crying while you battle this beast. In fact, it'd be weird if you didn't. Johnny Cash once famously said, "Love is a burning thing." Thanks to the Ring of Fire, now you are too.
Something Sweet (but still kind of a bitch)
Whether we're bouncing back from a recent breakup or lamenting your lack of progress in finding a soul mate, it's nice to have a supportive venting session. When you're in need of something warm and uplifting like a hug—but aren't above a little bad-mouthing—a slice of David's Luscious Lemon Cake ($4) from Canyon Rim's The Baking Hive (3362 S. 2300 East, 801-419-0187, Millcreek) is what you're after. The soft, yielding texture of the cake embraces your taste buds while the tart flechette of lemon flavor talks shit on every scrub that did you wrong.
Since its invention, ice cream has functioned as the cool balm that soothes most forms of heartache. My current prescription for frozen feel-good comes from Howdy Homemade Ice Cream (2670 S. 2000 East, 801-410-4302). Among their wide range of flavors, the Dr. Pepper chocolate chip ($8 per pint) is ideal for any V-Day-related doldrums. It's the right mixture of excessive and familiar, which generally provides the endorphin-surge needed to soften a lack of romantic prospects. For reinforcements, I suggest hitting up Chip Cookies (2180 S. 300 West, 801-889-2412), who are bravely standing by to deliver monstrous chocolate chip cookies ($10 for a box of four) to the lovelorn from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.
For those whose world has been sufficiently rocked by the sudden insignificance of a once-significant other, ice cream and lemon cake might not do the trick. If this is the case, then you're in need of something you can viciously tear apart and lick from your fingers. Enter the wagyu bone marrow ($17) from The Copper Onion (111 E. 300 South, 801-355-3282). The primal sensation of sucking perfectly roasted marrow out of a charred beef bone speaks for itself. It's tactile, it's satisfying and at the end of the meal, you have this big ol' bone that you can chuck through your ex's bedroom window.
If the Hallmark holiday simply puts you in the mood to take a break from the human race for a while, Tinker's Cat Café (302 E. 900 South, 801-519-2287) offers two tickets to purr-adise. Although their coffee shop menu has many tasty treats, including a few vegan options, Tinker's curative properties come from the meditative state achieved with observing the quiet grace of the feline friends who live there. Slowly nursing a cup of coffee or tea while relaxing with a menagerie of lounging, stretching, yawning and purring cats provides a welcome reprieve from all those pain-in-the-ass emotions that come with being a human. Your future crazy cat lady or dude self will thank you.