Pot comic Doug Benson (Super High Me, Best Week Ever) and insult specialist Andy Kindler (Everybody Loves Raymond, Lewis Black’s The Root of All Evil) appear at Wiseguys this weekend, so City Weekly tossed ‘em a few pre-game pitches so they’re warmed up for the shows. ---

CW: Parents like to tell their children not to settle arguments with violence but rather "use your words." You've both built careers on that tactic—please give an example from your childhood about how that advice backfired on either you or your parents. Or just brag about making a heckler cry.

Doug Benson: My parents never gave me that advice. Because they both died during childbirth. Was my answer funnier than Andy's? If not, I'll have to beat him up.

Andy Kindler: Everything I did as a child backfired on me. Bullies do not respond well to insult comedy. No matter how clever the comeback, you can't win if you end up getting punched in the face.

CW: You're at a fork in the road of your illustrious careers. One road leads to a sitcom—replete with laugh tracks and catch phrases. The other leads to hosting a game show. Please choose a road and lay out the title, premise and ratings/popularity prediction.

DB: While I love game shows—and even play a game every week on my podcast Doug Loves Movies, available on iTunes—I would star in a sitcom called The Dank Night. And it would be about a superhero who fights crime by staying at home and minding his own business.

AK: Both roads sound wonderful. It's a shame to choose. I pick a hybrid: a game show sitcom. In 3-D?

CW: Your agent calls with two offers—both events are on the same day and each pays the same. Gig A entails playing to a convention of Scentsy (scented candle co.) representatives. Gig B is a stadium full of Promise Keepers. Which do you choose, and what is your opening joke?

DB: The candle company, for sure, and my opening line would be “Thanks for smelling so good, and covering up the smell of the bag in my pocket.”

AK: The Promise Keepers. I don't have the exact joke yet, but the punch line will include the words “losers weepers.”

CW: There's a new reality show where musicians and comedians switch roles. Who would you pick to tell your jokes and why? And how would you perform their songs?

DB: Paul McCartney. Because he's always been pretty amusing and my jokes would sound funny with a British accent. And I perform his songs by talk-singing them, like George Burns did in that crappy Sgt. Pepper movie.

AK: Huey Lewis, with or without The News. I would perform his songs sarcastically.

Andy Kindler: September 24 - 25, 7:30 & 10 p.m., Wiseguys Trolley Square, 505 S. 600 East, Salt Lake City, (801) 532-5233

Doug Benson: September 26 (special 4:20 matinee), Wiseguys Trolley Square, 505 S. 600 East, Salt Lake City, (801) 532-5233