What’s new on the tube tonight:

Partners (FX) Series Debut: This could have been something great, an oddball pairing of once-mighty sitcom actors in a single-camera, no-laugh-track, zero-frills setting à la Louie or Maron, wherein they could show off their veteran comic chops in a whole new setting. But no—we get Partners, a lazy, canned-laughs throwback in the creaky vein of TV Land and FX's still-marching-toward-death Anger Management (Charlie Sheen's retirement package will now be airing after Partners, BTW). Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence play mismatched Chicago lawyers forced to team up because ... does it really matter? What in the name of Franklin & Bash was FX thinking? The Only TV Column That Matters™ has a theory that FX schedules a dog once in a while so other networks won't feel so overwhelmed and jealous of their otherwise perfect record of quality programming and critical acclaim. Or Grammer and Lawrence (and, previously, Sheen and George Lopez) possess some incriminating photos. And, historically, naming your sitcom Partners has never ended well, just quickly.

Bachelor in Paradise (ABC) Series Debut: How is Bachelor in Paradise different from Bachelor Pad? On Bachelor Pad, pathetic, desperate excuses for human beings who were rejected by Bachelors and Bachelorettes in prior seasons were herded together to exchange STDs and further annoy America. Bachelor in Paradise is set in Mexico. Oh, and there’s Utah’s own Michelle Money, too. Yay?

Longmire (A&E) Season Finale: In its third season, Longmire transformed from a slower-paced Wyoming take on Justified into a dramatic ass-kicker in it own right, as well as (finally) a showcase for that unpredictable intensity co-star Katee Sackhoff perfected back on Battlestar Galactica. Catch up on Longmire, already.